by T.Z. Barry
February 1, 2065 — Orlando Beach, FL
The New England Patriots defeated the Dallas Cowboys last night, by the score of 31-28 to win Super Bowl XCIX. It was a back and forth game that came down to the wire, but the Patriots were able to hold on for the victory in the end.
The game remained in doubt until the final seconds. Down three points with a minute left on the clock in the fourth quarter, Dallas quarterback Troy Romo® led the Cowboys down the field. A sideline pass to Terrell Irvin® with one second left on the clock brought the Cowboys into field goal range. Kicker, Adam Vinatieri 9.8, had a chance to tie the game and send it into overtime, but the strong coastal winds in Orlando Beach blew Vinatieri 9.8’s kick just wide right of the post.
Tom Brady 4.2 won the MVP trophy after throwing four touchdown passes with only one interception. The Patriots quarterback had a bit of a scare in the first half when Brady 4.1 was knocked out by a helmet-to-helmet hit from Deion Sanders 2.7. Both players were diagnosed with concussions and removed from the game, but were quickly replaced by their clones. Brady 4.2 thanked Brady 4.1 after the game, saying, “This trophy is as much his as it is mine.” Brady 4.1 was unable to be reached for comment before being sent to the locker room incinerator.
All of Brady’s touchdown passes were caught by the Rob Gronkowski’s. New England employed a four Gronk receiver set for much of the game, with Gronk 2.1 and Gronk 5.2 lined up at the wide receiver positions, and Gronk 7.3 and Gronk 8.4 at tight end. Six Gronks in total were removed from the game with various injuries, but New England had a sideline full of Gronk clones to replace them. After the game, the Gronkowski’s thanked New England’s medical staff for their top-of-the-line cloning operation as well as the steroids and PED’s that helped keep them on the field.
When asked if he blamed the loss on Vinatieri 9.8’s missed field goal, Troy Romo® said, “No, it was a team effort.” Cowboys Owner, Cyborg Jerry Jones seemed to disagree, however; as Vinatieri 9.8 was sent to the incinerator after the game. Cyborg Jones announced that Vinatieri 9.9 will be the team’s starting kicker next season. There was some controversy following the game with suspicions that Cyborg Bill Belichick geoengineered the storm that blew Vinatieri 9.8’s kick wide. The NFL and Commissioner Cyborg Goodell are investigating the matter.
The Dallas loss cannot be blamed on the team’s running back core. Emmitt Smith 6.1-6.5 combined for 122 yards rushing and two touchdowns. Troy Romo® completed two touchdown passes to Terrell Irvin®, but he also threw two costly interceptions in the game. Cyborg Jones was asked if he would consider a new DNA hybrid at quarterback next season, but the owner was steadfast, stating, “Troy Romo® is the Cowboys quarterback of the future.”
The Super Bowl win marks New England’s fourteenth championship, all of which have been led by head coach and general manager Bill Belichick. Belichick Prime thought he was done coaching when he was forced to retire in 2035 due to dementia, but the 2045 singularity allowed him to extend his life and career by uploading his consciousness. With virtually nothing left to prove, Cyborg Belichick was asked if he had plans on retiring anytime soon. His response was, “On to Super Bowl C.”